The term “Jackass” refers to a “jacked-up assessment”.  It's a term such as would be used in an inventory.  Also, it means hijacking the series for the sake of a lampoon.  No harm done, this is all in good fun. This last statement is said through a loudspeaker.
     The word “jackass” is funny—the mere mention of a jackass will get everyone laughing, or at least it will around here.  This word applies to the show as follows: “Jackass” is a code meaning a large but unspecified number of episodes, connoting Stargate n or Stargate ad infinitum. Regard “Jackass” as a number and pronounce it like it was a number when you say it to someone else in quoting this title.  Both of you will laugh and you'll have appreciated the humor that can be deciphered from the following piece, although admittedly, finding the humor is about as easy as finding the Lost City or Teal'c's lineage or stealing a Goa'uld mothership.

     On the cover of this issue of Surprising you see the Stargate Headquarters, an imposing and austere façade.  No sense wondering too much what goes on in there, for a lot of it is Top Secret.  The pole symbolizes its uniqueness and isolation.  Figure  One herein shows a Galactic-Climactical Obdurum, part of the working components of the Stargate system.  When no one is hiding or trapped up there, and no fights are taking place in it, electro-magnetic energy is encapsulated there and inculcated into the cyonic system, where it is defracted and obdurated through a synchronium.  The function is, of course, a modificatory one.

fig. 1

     Next, you don't expect loose living near the Gate and here is the area in which Stargate Command resides.  Grass damage was caused by a ray which temporarily blasted one of the personnel out of existence until a recovery ray could put him someplace else instead.  Figure 3 shows the office of Stag Sorley, present chief of Stargate Command.  Figure 4 shows part of the compound in which the fans live.

fig. 2

fig. 3

fig. 4

     On the other side of the Gate at this time, and for the purpose of demonstration, is planet Atrar; what is visible on the planet (fig. 5) in this photo is the gate area, wherein is a receiving station where atmospheric checks are conducted. Figure six shows a view of the native culture on Atrar, near to the Gate area.

fig. 5

fig. 6

     If you've seen all you like of Atrar, we switch you to Vulcan, a place of nihilists who are so negative that “Vulcan no's” are a galactic byword. Of course, it was the team's startling discovery that this “byword” contained a sinister hint of what lay beneath the surface of the planet, a system of natural volcanic causalities related in some way to the Big Bang, and the planet was in a state of contact with primordial reincidence of this phenomenon.  Figures 7 and 8 show a suppressive overlay of volcanic action; figure 9 shows an SG countermeasure.

fig. 7

fig. 8

fig. 9

     On the planet Tarhoon the gate crew finds a rather contemplative culture and it is here that Dan'l Baines finds a charm that he cannot shake.  In the meditational plaza shown in figure 10, he sits crosslegged with his arms folded before him and contacts ancestral spirits of an unknown race.

fig. 10

     Caulc.:  Young Dan'l seems bemused.

     Oneida:  You seem pretty ironic, yourself.

     Caulc.:  Just a facial expression.  I've got to have one, don't I? 

           Besides, there's this “i” problem…

     Mitch:  Will you two  quit fighting?  We got stuff to figure out.

     Caulc.: As soon as YOU two quit fighting.  I don't know who ranks  

            who.  Which of you was born first?

     Oneida:  Well, I wasn't born yesterday…

     Carpa: Sure of that?  Seems to me you've had a wipe on the

              whole last week.

     Oneida:  I'm not the only one, the viewers have had one too. 

              THAT for you all!

     Dan'l suddenly starts to rave.  At first the team doesn't notice it, but when he staggers into their midst his face has become an Aztec mask of vengeance which continues to go through mutations.

     Carpa: Hm, he looks worse than he looked after he had that vodka-and-tequila drink after

        the picnic.

     Oneida:  Having seen that kind of mask before, I'd say we have an Aztec-related culture

        here in spite of appearances.  Caulc., see if you can help me handle him.

     Carpa: There could be a cross-cultural influence here with some sort of Zen culture---due to 

         a cultural exchange occurring on an alternate plane---plus can the Ghoul*s be far away

         from a cultural dissimilarity?

     Oneida:  NO.  We're far away from it.

          [They wrestle Dan'l to the ground.  Suddenly they are somewhere else. See visual

            One.]

Visual 1

     Dan'l: Rather remote place.  But I no longer feel like an Indian.

     Oneida:  Perhaps it's a deconditioning chamber.

     Carpa:  Looks more like an outpost of some kind.

     Oneida:  You WOULD think so---outposts have MEN in them.

     Dan'l:  Speaking of which, we should climb that---maybe they'll tell us inside what world

        this is.

     Oneida:  It's certainly not Tarhoon---doesn't look anything like it---the atmosphere's different.

     Caulc.:  By the way, when's the last time you changed the oil----

     Carpa:  Look out!  Something's coming out of it!

     Oneida:  Something's SUPPOSED to come out of our forays.

          [A sudden change in scenery.  Now they are where Visual 2 indicates.]

Visual 2

     Carpa:  Woo-ee!  Kind of spooky in certain ways.

     Caulc.: These natural systems in this part of the galaxy sort of proceed in cycles---

     Oneida:  How do we know we are in the same part of the Galaxy?

     Dan'l:  It's just the time of the year it is here.   I'm certain of it!

     Caulc.: Lol, a natural occurrence.  HERE it's natural.

     Carpa:  Do you think we should walk down that path?

     Oneida:  No.  It's not part of our assignment.

     Dan'l:  Right now our assignment is to get “ass” out of here.  To do that we have to find

        out where “here” is.

     Oneida:  We'll lose all our coordinates if we move.  Let's just let the “process” complete

        itself and hopefully we'll be back where we were.

          [Another sudden shift, as in visual 3.]

Visual 3

    Oneida:  Hmm, well, it's a house, at least that's HUMAN.

         Wonder who lives in it?

     Dan'l:  What's that up there?  It looks like the top edge of  

         a viewscreen!  We're on an alien spacecraft threaten-

         ing this homey civilization!  We must act!

     Hamestring [from radio]: That's for sure!  It might save

         the day!  What ARE your coordinates?  Do you lack

         them?

     Oneida [snatching up radio]:  That's it in a nutshell.  I'm

         Surprised radio contact is still possible.  We're

         looking at a visne I've never seen.

     Hamestring:  Nothing beats radio.  Not if you've got a

         good one.  It's matched in with your power pack,

         which in turn is a gate function.

     Oneida:  Then the gate's still with us.

     Carpa:  So's the Force.

     Oneida [laughing]:  Oh, we've lost that long ago.

     Dan'l:  I'm looking for Edgar Guest in that house.

     Oneida:  Why not, it's a guest house.

     Hamestring:  Will you guys quit fooling around?  I want it

         to be your prime objective to get out of there!  We can

         do nothing until we have information.

     Dan'l:  Well, one, how do we get to all these places?

     Carpa:  Maybe someone wants us to see all of this.

     Dan'l:  For what purpose?  Nonsense!

          [Another shift, as shown in visual 4]

Visual 4

     Dan'l:  What?!  That's Earth!  Look, a pantry!  I'm going

        in there and get a—

     Carpa:  It's under attack!  What's that light phenom-

        enon?

     Dan'l:  We don't seem to get long enough at these

        places that we could deal with it any.  But I would if

        I could.  Those are the most obvious aliens I've ever

        seen, attacking something that looks just like Maud

        and home.

     Caulc.:  Don't mourn for your people, Dan'l Bains.  Think

        of mine.

     Carpa:  There must be a reason he says that.

     Dan'l:  I hope so.

     Caulc.:  This is a way my people had of dealing with the

        Ghou*lmeister comptrollers out there.  How little

        visible they were is typical of them—Ack, I despise

        them!

     K'nark [appearing in the sky]:  Glad you spoke, Caulc.. 

        You do have a new assignment!

     Oneida's cell-phone, remotely:  I think not.

     Presenting any more of this would be a give-away to those who have not seen the episode—they will have to wait until the piece is aired.  The name of the episode is “Hades Won't Have It”.  Keep looking for it, if you will.

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