Computer Corner by Eric Thiel This issue, presenting a contribution from a real expert. COMPUTER QUESTIONS AND ANSWERS By Doctor Coyote This will help you get your computer in order. If it does not, we are lying and subject to the penalties meted out to liars. Q: My copier behaves like the Red Shift phenomenon when it runs low on ink. First it phases out blue, then it ends up in orange. A: Two hits I can recommend—Charles Mingus' “Song With Orange” and Stan Kenton's “Orange Colored Sky.” Is your media player adapted for these? Also recommended is “Out of the Blue,” any version. Wait for L'il Kim to press it, if you want my advice. Also, don't call your copier a “copter.” Q: Speaking of that, my media player won't work. I try it out around the home. A: You're a different person, aren't you? It says right on the package it's a media PLAYer. Players won't work. Yet you sit there confused. The other guy that asked a question is somebody that will never be confused. Q: Do bots have any effect on the functioning of my mechanism? A: Ingo bots? A computer doesn't use batteries! Though there's some new solar-powered ones, but that still isn't batteries. Try to have in your mind what a computer would look like running on batteries! Q: Science is likely to come up with something like that. Science comes up with everything! A: I see it posted. Q: All there is is a tangle of wires where my computer is. Surely some more economical, sparing system has been devised. A: Yes, the Lord's System for the Latter Days! See that you clean up that mess around your computer. You see, you have a “floor” that won't compute. Warning: Don't try jamming it! The FCC is into that, big and red hot. Cover it with a blanket (Army burlap). Or put a tarp over it! That would look good in your niche. ‘Soft isn't phasing good wiring yet. Q: It might sound funny to you for a person to get stuck inside an AOL Instant Messenger, it's so tiny, but in trying to figure out what I had I got lost somewhere in the computer. I wish I could show you the way my screens read out. In fact, I wish I could show you these wiring diagrams I have. Now, what do I do, who should I contact? A: That IS funny, but what you want to do is say you are stuck inside an Instant Messenger SERVICE. Then that sounds about right. Microsoft Word for Windows will show you the way your screens read out. As for who you contact, your Messenger should inform you of that somewhere along the way. Clue: try the Cthulhu or the Conan website. Try negativity, that's what pulled Bob Dylan through. Q: A sign said for me to “Report Screen Damage.” It IS screen damage! I can't get it off my screen. A: Are you man jacks using other peoples' computers? True screen damage is like when a rock comes through the window and fractures your screen, if you have the computer indoors. Q: My copter won't quit printing when I want it to. How do I get it to stop? A: Obviously your printer won't quit printing. When you want it to stop yourself, others don't, just because they know you're ready to pack it in. Your manufacturer foresaw this, and hasn't given you a button. Carry on, hacker! Q: Would you like to come over to my house for some cookies ‘n' stuff? A: No, I wouldn't. Have you been here before? Where'd you get equipment like that? Q: My daddy prints fum up. A: Your daddy invokes Fum. [smiling smiley] Q: Fee, fie, foe, fum! A: That's my brother.
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